Anger Resolution is a way of understanding anger, so that a person can make empowered choices towards the resolution of that anger. Along this path we will see how important language is to the understanding and communication of our feelings and needs. This requires emotional literacy/having an emotional vocabulary, and an internal emotional state that resonates with those words. And, to be able to discover/rediscover what unmet need that emotion is signaling to us, so that we can make healthy choices to bring that need back into our lives, relationship, family, etc. It is very common for a person to confuse these messages. I have found many confusing expectations, rules and dogmatic beliefs about what anger is and how it should be dealt with. In fact, when I put up www.angerresolution.com several years ago, I was the first to use the term. Now, if you google it, you will find all kinds of sites. Some scare me regarding what they believe and teach about anger as pathological.
I believe anger is part of our core for survival and compels us to grow and thrive. The problem is so many people are not taught to learn from it and only lash out. They might feel powerful for a short while, Brief Relief, but they are left still sad/weakened and afraid/vulnerable, setting the stage for even more anger, aggression and potential violence.
Anger is always accompanied by combinations of sadness and fear. Anger Resolution is built upon common sense methods that anyone can learn to be able to decode these emotional messages. This will give us clarity regarding what choices we can make to avoid Brief Relief and meet the underlying needs signaled by; sadness/something important has been taken away, and fear/something important might be taken away.
This is an exciting and genuine process! I developed it to honor anger and to work -with it- to restore us back to balance. Anger is the Warrior/Protector part of ourselves that arises when we have sadness & fear. This work will teach you how to:
- Identify the levels of Anger, many people believe they just get ANGRY, while there are many levels of this emotional experience. The earlier you can identify it, the better able you are to make healthy choices regarding it. Once anger is escalated, we can experience “flight or fight”, over and over again without ever resolving the underlying causes of our anger. Once in the “flight or fight” state, the extreme anxiety creates tunnel vision and we see very few options. This is not good, and is at the root of so much resentment, addiction, violence, despair and lack of health.
- Identify what has been taken away/sadness, or what you think might be taken away/fear, and expressing those emotions in a way to garner support if necessary. Anger, Sadness and Fear are almost always found together. If we only express the anger, we end up pushing people away, leading to isolation, demoralization and hopelessness/depression, i.e., creating more sadness and anxiety. It is through communication/language that we can share with others to avoid this trap. Emotional literacy is extremely important in this step.
- As we recognize and understand the accompanying emotions of fear and sadness, we can then begin to see what needs are left unmet. It is these needs that will bring us towards resolution. This step for many is very confusing, as they continue to choose Brief Relief responses to their anger, frustration, bitterness, that leave them unfulfilled. It can have it’s root even to childhood. For example, a child may feel scared and share this feeling with others. The child’s emotions are signaling the needs of safety and reassurance. A hug and someone being close to them, maybe holding their hand, while speaking reassuring words, might suffice to calm their fears. But, if the child instead receives ridicule, mocking or belittlement, the path from fear to safety to calmness gets messed up! They may choose other unhealthy methods of dealing with that fear… sometimes this continues into adulthood. This, I believe is also at the core of how we learn to problem solve at a basic, gut level.
- If we can make it this far and be able to identify what we really need, we are on the verge of Anger Resolution. We can then make a choice of what we need to really address the underlying cause of our anger. Through this we can make our way back to a sound mind, hopeful heart and balanced life.
The steps and processes are more fully understood and reviewed during Anger Resolution work and trainings. One of the main positive impacts is that the angry person can retain honor & dignity as they begin to re-weave themselves back into their relationships and develop a healthy lifestyle. Historically oppressed persons can identify the needs that remain unmet due to cultural and spiritual oppression and make assertive, clear choices to regain hope and control of their destiny.
Anger Resolution does not condone acts of intimidation, violence, or aggression in general situations. In far too many cases, these types of actions are only Brief Relief methods a person might use to feel better. But, the price can be very costly to others and themselves. A person can easily be caught up in a cycle of violence until they do the work to learn the underlying causes of their angry actions and begin to make assertive choices to take care of their unmet needs.
Anger is like a warrior/protector. Anger jumps up to defend us when we begin to feel weakened/sad due to an experienced loss, or anxious/threatened due to an expected loss. Imagine anger as your warrior fighting for you day after day. He sees that you are wounded, that you are vulnerable and weakened due to what has been taken from you. He will defend you. It is up to you to heal, nurture yourself, gather support, grieve if necessary, gain knowledge and skills if needed, so that your warrior can finally rest. And those who love you can pass by his spear and arrows to once again reconnect.
It’s time, isn’t it? One of the great things about Anger Resolution is that those who have chosen this path are able to assist others as well. This is why I love this work and aim to keep sharing it with others.